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A Time To Die: Part 1!
by Dave


Why its Traci! But I thought you were told to stay at the bottom of the building!? "Just doing my job, Detective." This girl's got righteousness pouring out of her ears, even if she is a porno queen who just kneed a guy in the nuts for shooting some kid that keyed his car. Anyway, what better thing for a goofy-headed cop and a photogenic porno queen to do after a high-adrenaline shootout than go for a nice cup of tea?


Conaway is truly slick. He looks like a badass even when he's sipping tea like a true Brit. I didn't even know tea was a big thing in America, but hey. Anyway, conversation gets personal as we find out that Conaway's character's name is Frank and Traci Lord's character's name is Jackie. Turns out they're both divorced. See where this is going? I hope you've been keeping up, cause it gets EVEN MORE CRAZY AND UNPREDICTABLE. Jackie explains to Frank that she has a son called Kevin who lives with his father, and then Frank becomes really goddamn bitter as Jackie asks him about his marriage. Talk about double standards, jackass. "You sure asks a lot of questions for someone who's just bought a cup of tea." Whoa whoa- wait, what? Last time I checked the purchase of tea had no relation to how many questions you ask to someone. Shut the hell up Frank, before you make yourself look stupid. Whoops, too late. He makes a really crap pass at her and she walks out. Better luck next time Frankie boy. And cut your hair.



"MMmmmmmooohh..."

Jackie then goes back to her apartment, where she decides to conduct possibly the most sexual photo-development session I've ever seen. Wandering into a red room in some skimpy shorts as some bass-heavy music kicks in, watch as she slowly caresses a piece of photo paper with more lusty glee than Paris Hilton riding the boner express. That piece of paper has seen more action in ten seconds than I have all year :(. But wait, who's that in the picture?


Eeyy! Its Frank! Aww :). Guess its hard to resist an asteroid-headed ex-Babylon 5 star after all huh? Next thing we know Jackie's fallen asleep and its morning time. Damn, you think you've only spent 5 minutes caressing photo paper with little rubbery phalluses when bam! Morning has already creeped up on you. As Jackie's alarm goes off we are treated to some sleepy 80s music, and frankly this whole scene .........you know.........is so nice..........and serene........... and quiet... and....
zzzz....zzz.....

.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........




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