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Revamped: Part 1!
by Matt


So Richard's dead. He's been bitten by a vampire, but hasn't turned yet. And here we are at his memorial.


That's Richard's now-widow crying her eyes out. She's not crying because Richard's dead, though. She just got the news that she was written out of his will. "How could he do this to me?" It could be all the sex with other men that weren't him. Or maybe he just knew you were an awful person. After all, you did bring your boyfriend to your husband's funeral.


And what do you know, her boyfriend is Kato Kaelin. And... he's wearing a wife beater. At a funeral. Hmm. If you're unfamiliar with Kato, remember that whole OJ Simpson stabbing his wife thing? Kato was a minor witness in the trial. The trial resulted in OJ being found not guilty, although many still believe he was. The reality is, though, that the entire murder, police chase and court trial were all staged and served only as a means to launch Kato's acting career. It didn't really help.

Now if you think the casting of Kato was something, meet the mortuary guy.



IT'S FUCKING LURCH!

Yes, the same Lurch from the Addams Family. Rather than casting talented actors able to display emotion, let's just get a bunch of mildly recognizable nobodies!

Richard's wife tells Lurch that, since she's been cut out of the will, she can no longer afford the regular burial that was planned. Luckily for her, they're having a sale on cremations. "I'm sure Richard would have wanted it that way." No he wouldn't! If he wanted to be cremated, wouldn't you have done that in the first place? I think she took the whole "fucking your brains out" thing a bit too literally.

So Richard gets cremated; so much for being a vampire. We're only 13 mins into the movie and our sad excuse for a protagonist is dead. And with that startling turn of events, they cut to intro credits. What the hell!? All of that was an intro? The film's not even an hour and a half long and the first 15 minutes is an intro? Jesus christ this movie sucks.

TO BE CONTINUED

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