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Revamped: Part 1!
by Matt
by Matt
While I enjoy reviewing movies I've never seen, I do still like to sit down and actually watch a good movie from time to time. And other times I like to watch awful vampire B-movies that are only considered good because they're so horrible. So when I stumbled across such a film recently, I was overwhelmed with an emphatic feeling of "eh, might as well."
Revamped is the cinematic equivalent of a car crash; it's a terrible thing to witness, but god damn if that awfulness isn't entertaining. Right off the bat, from the poster alone, you know this movie is gonna blow. Besides the multitude of graphic design flaws, the title is just awful. ReVAMPed! Get it!? Also, according to the poster, this is a Jeff Rector Film. That might mean something if anybody actually knew who that is. The film was also written, directed, produced and starring... Jeff Rector. Of course.
The film also includes the (apparently) first ever vampire country western song, "Baby, You're a Pain in the Neck." I'm not making this up. Take a guess who wrote the song. Jeff Rector! That guy does everything! Poorly! He's like the white, untalented version of Tyler Perry.
Before we begin, I have to point something out. The film was written with intention of being funny, but the majority of the laughs come from the awfulness of everything but those "funny" scenes. Also, please excuse the weird lines in some of the screens. I may or may have not downloaded a crappy quality version of this movie off the internet.
Now on with the show!
The film starts out with Jeff's character Richard overlooking Los Angeles saying "What a town. If they only knew what was out there. I mean what's really out there." You mean like horribly tacky, unoriginal voice-over intros? Richard proceeds to "start from the beginning" and tells us a story. The whole movie is basically one big flashback. Like a bad dream, but with worse acting.
We start with Richard sitting alone on a couch drinking scotch on the night of his first wedding anniversary. We know it's his anniversary because the voice-over, which Jeff did himself, tells us so.
He opens up a credit card bill to reveal that his wife has spent $12,326.18 on hotel rooms. For some reason, Richard reads this amount out loud and in full. We'll soon see that his wife is, for lack of a better word, a giant slut, so this bill is more than enough evidence that she's been cheating on him. What a bitch.
Now, I don't want to advocate adultery, but Richard is spending his first wedding anniversary by himself. I think it's safe to assume he's an awful husband. We can also assume that, since she got caught by using his credit card to pay for the hotel, his wife has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools. Which is fitting, since she's a huge ho.
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