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Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen: Cloverfield
by Matt



One of the most talked about films coming out soon is the epic sci-fi thriller Cloverfield. What makes this film special is that it's being helmed by producer JJ Abrams. I think he's won some awards or something, but Abrams is probably best known for his work on the movie Taking Care of Business, a light-hearted comedy starring one of the greatest comedic actors of our time: Jim Belushi.


Douche.

What really makes Abrams such an amazing influence to this movie, though, is his work on a little TV show called Lost. Avid fans of the show already know what I'm getting at: the monster. As with Cloverfield, Lost had a mysterious monster that had fans guessing (and complaining!) just what this monster could be. A monster that disappeared into thin air, knocked down trees, made mechanical sounds and roared like a dragon; what else could it be than a floating black cloud of smoke that visually projects the thoughts and memories of the people it attacks! Obviously.


It's with this same flow of logic that we are able to narrow down the possibilities of just what the monster is. And no, it's not Godzilla. We know Abrams uses a lot of references to past movies and television in his work, but Godzilla? Please, I'll eat this review (mmm pixels) if the monster turns out to be even remotely giant-lizard-like. Some retards even thought it was a film adaptation of Voltron.

We have a couple really strong clues to go from, the first of which is the decapitating of the Statue of Liberty. Not only do we know that the monster is capable of doing it (strength to tear it off, ability to get high enough in the air to reach it, distaste for American iconography), but the Statue of Liberty has significant references to various pieces of popular media. We also have the movie title itself. It's pretty much a given that the movie ends with the main dude and some chick (all their other friends die) in a field of clovers, but that's not enough to name the movie after. The title has a hidden clue in there, too.

What really brings this all full circle and solidifies our hypothesis is a line from the trailer: "It's alive!" Alive? ALIVE!? Ahh, it's so simple! Obviously, the monster used to not be alive, but now is. At first, you may think it's a zombie, but remember the Statue of Liberty. Zombies aren't strong enough to rip the head off like that. Plus, they're proud to be Americans. So if not a zombie, what could the monster be?

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!

Of course! All the clues are there! If you're not familiar with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he was the monster from the original Ghostbusters, a manifestation of evil personified as an image of one of Peter Venkman's thoughts. A monster based on thoughts, just like the black cloud from Lost. Also, the Marshmallow Man wasn't alive to begin with, hence the "it's alive!" line. And of course, what did the Marshmallow Man fight in the original Ghostbusters movie? The Statue of Liberty!

Now if that wasn't enough, here's an even more clear, direct connection. The Ghostbusters movie started out with three scientists fighting ghosts, but were later joined by a fourth Ghostbuster, Winston, played by Ernie Hudson. Now you may not know this, but Hudson is a black actor, just like Danny Glover! Glover recently joined the cast of Brothers & Sisters where he played the love interest of Sally Fields. Glover and Fields? Cloverfield? C'mon Abrams! You're making this a dead giveaway!


Despite the obviousness of what the monster is, the movie is exciting and inventive. In most movies like this, the military comes in and launches of bunch of missiles that have no effect on the monster. Then the president orders a nuclear attack. "But there's still people in the city!" He does it anyways 'cause presidents are total jerks.

The main character is left with only one other friend who has survived with him (who just happens to be the most attractive female in the whole movie and manages to still look hot even covered in dirt and blood). They befriend a military soldier who sacrifices his life so our protagonists can just barely escape the nuclear attack and live together happily ever after. But that's most other movies. In this one they all die.


Warning: The preceding review contained spoilers. That were totally true. Totally.


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